Looking for Home

I used to be so at home on these pages.

Now I feel like a stranger wherever I go.

I could really come alive,

words were the only way to quench my thirst, sometimes

dripping, trickling

but often gushing, streaming

life-giving water for my deadness, a current

so straight and true I could always connect

anything that once seemed wayward, meaningless.

I would just feel whole, purged of the stains

of Haphazard emotions and Disastrous thoughts

Even now I am not free.

This writing is jilted

I always have to force myself to this page

Because I don’t want to face this pain

Not pain of the actual writing

But the catapulting piercing and raging pains of judgment

The judgements of this writing and of my soul behind it

Trying to scramble together any small thing I know about myself

I am so lost when I’m not broken

Because when I AM broken (again)

no one sees me as that anymore including myself

No more excuses for me.

Write the dead words

Pick up the pierce pulsating head

Move your weary body

Choose from your plethora of skills to combat that anxiety

Don’t ever let that negative thought win the battle

You can take the pain

You will push through this migraine

You will find a soft place to lay your head

A quiet haven for your restless mind

If you just look hard enough

I wish I could just forget, forget how to fight

So I could give myself a break for once

Sometimes I feel so trapped in my today, yesterday

And tomorrow


An Adventure Starts Today

I am about to embark on a new adventure. I have always challenged myself to do things that scare me. That’s one good thing about me. I don’t let my incessant fears and worries keep from doing (too many) things. Today I am “killing three birds with one stone.” As I’ve told people when explaining why this trip is exctiing and a big step for me.

The three  “stones” are

1) It is a writing retreat. A goal of mine has been to go on a writing retrreat of some sort.

2) We are going to the Apostle Islands. I’ve always wanted to visit there. I’ve heard it’s beautiful! I love traveling in general, but when it has to do with water and sunshine (hopefully), I am even more interested!

3) We are going sailing! Doing something I’ve never done before is a goal I have for each summer (and winter)! For about a year now,  I have thought sailing sounded fun. I feel safe knowing we are going with a trained Skipper.

Besides, my three goals I am fulfilling, I am also excited to get to know the “crew” better. They are members of my writing group I wrote about before. There are six of us going ranging in age from 29 (me) to 72!  I am excited to be challenged by them (I am always challenged by being in groups) and learning from their wisdom. Plus, we are all writers, musicians, artists, so have so many things in common. Finally, I am looking forward to growing personally in my faith in Christ and his power (especially through creation), through my writing and through my time of fellowship in an exotic environment.

I’m finally learning that God wants me to have joy and to enjoy my time on Earth. It’s been a slow realization but one I’ve started opening up to especially these last few years, since He helped kick depression out of my life. So here I go! I’ll let you know what I’ve learned. I have a feeling that something amazing will happen and I may not realize it for many weeks, months, years?? afterwards. God is such an awesome God and continues to work in every little (and big) moment in my life, whether I realize it or not. The great thing is that lately, I have been more in tune to Him and how he is working and how He has always been a steady presence in my life.

Learning from my Elders

I’m so grateful for the writing group I am in. Most of the people there are at least twenty years older than me. Most of the time I don’t know what they are talking about. That partly could be me because I zone out easily and, even with my same-age friends, I often miss the point of a story or a punch lines of a joke. But, mostly it’s because they have lived in a different era.

In our group, we write down words or phrases that are meaningful to us that we would like to write about. We put all the slips of paper in a bucket and draw them out. The person who draws out the word/phrase, reads it aloud, then chooses a time limit for writing, usually about 10 to 15 minutes. The reason why I like this group is, well, because 1) I love to write. 2) I love people. 3) I love getting to know people through writing and 4) I love love learning. I like finding out the each person’s style of writing and learning about their lives through their written word, rather than, as with other people in my life, it is through verbal words.

We usually have a little discussion after each person writes; and wow, I have learned so much from my elders. Today was a great day of learning. I started and the phrase was “split hair.” The only thing I could think of was “split ends” and how my mom used to show me what they looked like using my own hair. She would say, “When you get split ends, that’s when you’re know you need a hair cut” or something. It turns out, after I heard everyone read their pieces, “split hairs” is a phrase or idiom that means having a conflict or quibbling about petty things; to discriminate or make a fine distinction.

The next word was “vintage” and the members shared lots of memories from their pasts, eras that I have only read about in books or heard about from my parents and grandparents. When I shared my little piece about my brother Nate and how he likes vintage clothes, that spurred another whole discussion about how they themselves wore the clothes my brother liked to wear, such as leisure suits and bell bottoms. And for the women, paisley tops, mini skirts and pedal pushers. It was a very enlightening conversation.

Other times, they have written and talked about historical events, such as the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster or when President Kennedy was shot. One man often writes about politics, which try as I might, I have a hard time relating to. But I try to-so that’s all that matters. Another lady has written about her family and a dress of her grandmother’s that is on display at a historical museum. Through their writing I have learned about other things I can relate to-just because we are all humans: health challenges, family joys and struggles, spirituality and the natural world.

So grateful to God for this group!