longingclingingdoubting

This is for “Christians” who doubt. This is for those with runaway, self-condemning, constantly turning, bubbling, distorting minds that won’t shut up and cannot rest. Please know you are not alone. You are loved and no matter how much you doubt, you are loved! Hang on to Hope. Hope is something my soul never forgets no matter how many times my brain tries to deceive it.

Soft and floaty

My world is nice

Like a cushion

Shielding me from unpleasantries

Noises are distant

But I am within.

Still.

Questions there but fuzzier

But deception is tastier

And fire less dangerous

My vices are my friends

And I can’t stop

Wanting what I can’t have:

What’s only in my fantasies

I always know I’ll be let down

When the high ends

This foreign thing in me.

I know it and other things

Bring me to this place

A place where my will is taunted

And bad turns into good

And all reason has fled

Maybe it’s harmless

And I blow everything out of proportion

Maybe, probably. In some ways.

But this substance in me, I know,

Is just another example of what I do:

Yearn for what will leave me

Empty.

Always.

Even now my drug is leaving

And I’m going to be empty

But if I could just stay in

This place…

Why can’t I taste and see and know

Truly experience

What will never leave me yearning?

Because my will is strong

And human is what’s in my veins

And little experience with

Clarity, stability and

Understanding

Leads me to a place

Like this

Somewhere I’m sure to

Find peace

However short-lived.

And I’ll always keep going:

Reaching to fill my cup

Reaching, reaching

But the liquid never stops

Because it cannot quench

This thirst.

Experience and life has told me:

There’s nothing to be sure of

In this world.

Even Jesus.

No matter how true and stable and constant

He’s supposed to be.

I’m human and I have my doubts.

Sure, sometimes I’m strong

And hold on, stay on top of the water.

I do see truth and beauty and life

More than I have ever before

But I sometimes question:

Is it necessary

To believe He is the Christ

When everything contradicts itself?

And Truth seems inabsolute

When people you trust

Suddenly confuse you

And you realize you can trust

No one.

When your healing can be

The result of fifty things

Not necessarily the True Thing

What is Christ anyway?

And I I’ve beat my head into

Fifty thousand walls

Trying to know if He really cares

Or if I’m just making it up,

Just acting like I believe…

When will it end?

I feel like, if I’m so desperate

For Him

And for Him to reveal His

Presence

To speak loudly so I will have

No doubt,

So I’m not constantly questioning

My sanity

Or what’s right and wrong,

And if it take a PhD to understand His Word

Or non-Christians are more

Near and dear to me than so many “Christ-followers”

And if I long to be free of “Christianity”

And rigidity and guilt

And to KNOW freedom

From my torment, doubt and never-ending questions…

IF IF IF

Should I just give up…?

But HOPE

Is holding me

Because my soul clings

To Something,

Someone I can barely see

Who I know is my TRUTH

And is some THING that

Goes beyond any fucked up

Shallow thing I was ever taught in any Sunday school

Class or youth group or church sermon

Or (well-meaning yet misinformed) “Christian” mentor or relative

This THING is someone who I can see glimpses of,

Someone

My soul belongs to,

But somehow I cannot attach the name Jesus to,

Because sometimes that name

Is ash in my mouth

Because I’ve heard it so much

I just wish it was precious and new and wholesome again

Like a drop of water

In a thousand miles of desert

Or a new color that’s never been seen

That’s how I want to see and know and experience

This Savior

That’s supposedly my Lover and Creator

Who can fill me more than this lovely wine

Or heart-pounding, life-giving caffeine

But I’ve let deception in

And every human eye on me (supposedly)

Is more important than the eye

Of the one who sees only ME

Because he sees ME

As his precious daughter

As if I was the only heir

To his throne and the only one he could use

To accomplish His beautiful purpose…

That’s the ONE for whom my soul longs

Has always longed

The child in me has always known

But who most days I

Disregard

As a fantasy, a figment of my imagination

Someone some crazy people

Just made up

Or tainted…

My mind turned this lovely I AM

Into someone I NO LONGER

Trusted and the Man God

Into a GHOST, a vapor

A Wannabe-Savior

Or even worse

A Nobody

So as much as I long for the simple life and this

Beautiful “OTHER,”

Something is always there

Telling me of my Stupidity

To actually believe He exists

And His Father deserves my praise…

That I will always be longing for more…

Because I can TRUST no one

(just look at church

and the confusing so-called “Word” he supposedly gave us)

LORD if you are who You say You are

I plead with You (as always)

To make Yourself known to me in a way

I’ve never experienced

I want to hear You

Like “they” always talk about

So I can KNOW FINALLY and be FREED of all

This ugliness

The questions and doubts and SELF

Please, I beg of You

As always, my heart is open,

I’m on my knees

But my will is weak

And I’ll keep turning the other way…

But somehow I get up and

Come back to You or

Who I think You are,

Who I long for You to be

And maybe it’s You who is

There to pick me up

Will I ever be sure?

Or will it always be the same questions?

Are you my God?

And is Your Son really

My Savior or is it just something we all believe to

Try to make sense of our selves

Our lives our sin

Our shittiness?

(written January 15, 2012)

Forgotten Identity

Noises and colors mesh and I am sitting here trying to breathe. Deep into myself. I don’t know where the breathing will lead. And I just forgot who I am. My right hand is icy cold and I am tired of trying to warm it up. My brain is so scattered I feel like an hour ago was not even my life. How can I sit here and seem at peace but inside I cannot get my breathing to flow properly? I am looking for solace and I feel like I have no home. Now the sun has gone down and I told my roommate we could take a walk. But I have let the darkness come before the light. Sometimes they get so loud: the thoughts, feelings I don’t know how they can even be a part of me. How can I shift so swiftly and why do I feel like an alien in my own skin? I am trying to embrace this shift and not judge it. Let it in and out. I am so sick of trying to figure everything out. Will I not just rest in the confusion? Accept that I may never understand how I click and hope that someone will love me regardless of my forgotten identity?

Restless

Something is pulling me
Grabbing at my will
I can’t seem to be okay
I can’t sit
My mind spins
Thinking: what could I do?
Should I do?
What will satisfy me?
Looking inside I know You’re there
but why isn’t that enough?
I’m not up, I’m not down
I’m treading in the middle
missing my old rollercoaster life
Unaccustomed to the stillness

The moments where nothing seems to be happening.
When I can’t put a finger on a feeling
I’m burning
In this deadness
I feel like a fish out of water
this is so strange to me
When life is not about to end
And when running to my journal
And my tears is no longer necessary
to survive…

but still there’s an ache
I wish I could be full blown depressed (sometimes)
But is seems that chapter has closed
Now I have to survive
In a new world
When I’m thirsting for the old one
Who am I when I’m longing
Longing to have my identity back
My sense of worth
I feel better when I’m sad (I think)

But I hate it when I don’t have reason to be
And my brain and my heart both agree for once
I’m unsure and unsteady
As always, looking for answers
Inside and outside
instead of upwards…
i don’t know when reality will set in:
that I can’t, WON’T go back!
No matter how hard I try!

i have to live with one foot here
And one step there-for NOW
Brain-thoughts flitting
Nothing can fill me
Things that were once drugs to me
No longer allure me

And I miss that.

coffee and sugar and crying
Writing and analyzing my self
Weeping and sobbing
Friends and love ones who gave their all
to listen to my ramblings and woes
The Psalms and New Testament and Isaiah and Jeremiah and Job
Jesus…

Books, characters whose lives I longed to have
characters who were my only friends
Real people who I loved as my flesh and blood
People who I’d think about night and day
Authors who I felt knew me through and through

and the words I wrote down
Spurred on by my passions and melancholy
Beautiful, sad words…

Now I don’t see these things as necessary
Because…I’m different
But I miss the highs they gave
The lows that led to the highs
The roads I walked
The barriers I dodge
The waves I climbed

Even Jesus. Christ are you necessary?
I know you are but it’s new.
You are my life in this NEW place
I need you in a new way but i’m not sure
what it is yet
Please teach me!
Help me to know how to ease this uneasiness
And just rest.

 

Inside

This obsession

She has

Is not even aware

Of how her very existence

Is being eaten away

By these glutinous thoughts

They’re constantly searching

One hits the next

They’re dominoes that never end

They’re so out of control

She may be consumed forever

All she can think of is how she is perceived

And no matter how much her heart knows the truth

Her brain and body don’t allow her

To live it out

She is stuck with a mind she

Both admires and abhors

In a body she is confounded by

In a world that often feels like ashes

Remnants of what was

A reminder of deadness

And that is seems God just wants us to

All get along together

With ashes as our party confetti

 

Because no matter how

Many truths she hears

It seems the ashes are bigger

And cover more ground

Blinding out the sun

She can never see through them

Some people say they can

But how can she be sure they’re not

Just acting?

Or living out of naivete

Blindness to reality?

 

~July 7, 2011

>A New Way to Live

>

As you can see I changed my blog title and “About Me.” More about that later (or maybe you will begin to understand after this entry).

I have been in a weird place lately, physically and spiritually, and consequently, emotionally. Last Saturday at church, I felt God telling me to go up and get prayer which, of course, I was very nervous about doing. After a kind man name Lawrie/Lori prayed for me, I guess I didn’t know what to expect. Sudden restoration?

You may be wondering exactly what it is that is bothering me. Well, overall I am doing pretty well. But there is one thing that I have been obsessed with lately: food. No I don’t overeat or nor am I concerned about my weight. After reading a book called The Food Allergy Cure by Dr. Ellen Cutler and talking with my friend Becca and others with food sensitivities I have determined I am doing something wrong with me eating. I have struggled my entire life with headaches, for almost 10 years with depression, and for many years with other things, so I thought, why not go gluten free? But it has turned into an obsession. (As always, whenever I want to do something potentially good it gets out of control as my thoughts/obsessions become uncontrollable).

Anyway, I am reading this book by Larry Crabb and naturally the title is appealing. My whole life is about pressure, basically due to perfectionism, with which I have a love/hate relationship. I am always trying to do things right at all times. NOw it has to do with food. Well, anyway, Crabb is not necessarily a great writer but his book is simple and to the point. His basic point is “There’s a New Way to live” in which we are not contstantly striving, trying to find all the answers, trying to find causes for everything, trying to be perfect. BUT I am still trying to figure out what the New Way is he talks about (I am little over half way through the book). He basically has said thus far that we need to make Christ our number one priority-easily said, obviously. (Ironically, Crabb seems to present the “answer” to our problems when in the first place, he says we shouldn’t be seeking the answers!)

He talks about how we are taking advantage of Christ when we have an “If/then” mindset, “If I do these things, You will then deliver me out of this problem, give me this blessing, etc.” This all is simply stated and makes sense. But my question is, God is not going to blatantly say, “Brittany, you have these food sensitivities.” I need to to use the brain he gave me to find the answers! Right? I feel this is in my power like I could possibly find the answer to my problems, particularly depression which has created all my other problems, I believe.

Maybe some people reading this might think, Why is she so concerned about all this? I do sound kind of obsessed with myself. But I have come to realize the importance of our bodies and how for me personally, everything I eat contributes to my mood, physical symptoms, etc. But maybe I have taken it too far. Should I just accept my depression as part of life? As I thought I already had. But after reading the Food Allergy book, I thought, “What if…” What if something I have been eating my whole life is causing it? In Crabb’s mind, I maybe should not be searching for the answer.

I think there is some sort of middle ground here. But I am so stuck as always in my black-and-white, all-or-nothing thoughts.

Then there’s the whole gluten-free (or low gluten) I have tried to do for the past few days. I am quite irritated because nothing has really changed. In fact, it may have gotten worse. Yesterday and today I experienced INTENSE sudden fatigue after having gotten good rest the night before. And have been having headaches almost every day for two weeks now. Anyway, I am sure nothing’s wrong, but the GF has not improved anything, plus I can’t afford this diet and I miss bread too much.