humans

>Live in this World

Posted on by My Valley of Baca

>I wrote this on 1-4-10. It refers to many people who are important to me, including a woman I know at one of the group homes where I work.

Dearest LORD and my closest friend
I am so confused as to how
I can just sit here
My knees capture the sunlight
Coming in from the window
Just sit praising you
How is this changing anything?
But yet I do it
Because I just can’t not do it
It is my very being
Who I am
And I don’t feel in control now
Your Spirit is coming in
And the Sunlight is You
I’m captured by a real Being
I don’t really know anything
Except you want me to do this
Why can’t I just do this every day

Spend each day like this
Maybe I’d like life a lot more
I wouldn’t be presented with
Screaming and self-induced bloody scratches
On arms and legs
And a mind that can’t
Tell herself with words or actions
What she truly Wants
Or others, those that care for her
And the worst is that I can’t comfort her
And in that way I am very
Alone and uncomforted
Oh Lord but in this moment I am
Comforted in your Love
And I know she is too
Even in her pain and discomfort

And his heart
Is bleeding out til there’s no more
Emptiness
Closed off to love
And so abandoned
He can’t even figure out
Who or what love is
He loves her but he is still
Bleeding, fighting, misunderstood
She is so busy and fleeting
Not able to think one way or the other
Because she so desperately wants
And needs love from a man
But a mangled and broken
Heart cannot lover her Even
If he says he does
These are two broken shattered people
And their pain is hard to bear

And I see it in her crystal
Shiny beautiful eyes
Tinted blue oceans
She really looks and will
never let me escape a room
Without those arms opening
And I see it her eyes
She is so broken
But the most incredible lover
I have ever seen
The way she loves is amazing
Yet how could she not love herself
She is longing for freedom
But somehow can’t make a leap
She keeps going because Your love flows
out of her and
Her love makes me want to live

Their joy is deep but sometimes
Strained under
The wrinkles of hurt
The things that threaten to tear
Everything
Throw them in a puddle
A useless pool of water
But somehow life keeps going
And now a new year

Will it end the same?
Questions unanswered
A mom who keeps abusing
Awaking to another endles
Day of job searching
Barbing statements about your
Worthlessness
As a single person
As a jobless person
What society and family and even Christianity
can say about you
About your “condition”
Whether it’s because you only
Have one hand
Or maybe because you have an actual illness
located in the DSM that is called
Major Depressive Disorder
OR maybe because you are just a “label-less” person
Who feels
Like a nobody

That’s why I wish I could sit
Here
And just forget the world
Because no matter how much
Pain I bleed out
It doesn’t seem to change anything
I will stay in your presence
As much as possible
Until You teach me how to
Live in this World.

>Life

Posted on by My Valley of Baca

>

Last night I went with my friend Oscar to Bodies:The Exhibition at Mall of America…I was a little bit aware of what I would experience. But right now… I am struggling with words to explain the depth of these thoughts. For someone who gets overwhelmed easily, this exhibition was a big step but I know how to pace myself. I can’t really explain what it is that I experienced, so you’ll have to go for yourself.
I just cannot believe the intricacies of our bodies. How all of these bones, ligaments, organs, etc. all fit so neatly. They all have their place and function to make us the most incredible creatures on earth. On top of that there are hundreds of miles of arteries and nerves. One of my favorite displays (couldn’t find pics of it) was an entire body of just the spinal cord connected to all the nerves from head to toe. It’s so hard to explain. How does all this fit inside us??? There was another that was just the arteries. If all of our blood vessels were connected end to end they would extend 62,000 miles or 2 1/2 times around the earth. Plus there’s the small and large intestines which are 7 feet and 5 feet long, repectively if stretched out. We are truly amaaaazing miracles. There are no words in any language to describe how beautifully creative God is.
This was truly a remarkable experience. The fetus room was especially beautiful but unfortunately we ran out of time to stay too long in it. I could see how big the fetus was at different stages (one for each of my friends who are pregnant-practically!) HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? IT is truly a remarkable gift. I am even more in awe of the beauty of God and his creation–each of us (including myself). How could anyone consider throwing away such a precious gift? (Take that whatever way you want.)
Even now I am frustrated and exhausted at my lack of words for how awestruck I am. Thank you God for my life and the lives of each amazing person you’ve created.