Friday, Sept. 2: Share a list of your current goals.
I have had an ugly lifelong lie going on in my head: I am a girl with a lot of problems. Yep, I sometimes wear it like a badge. The other day I saw my spiritual director and I was going on and on about this idea. I am a bundle of problems, they are all intertwined and never-ending. The problems never end because of my thoughts about the choices that I make. How do I decide what is right or wrong? Good or bad? Is this from God or the Devil? Is this healthy or bad for me? Obviously I already know from years of therapy (including dialectic therapy-DBT) and mindfulness training that this black-and-white thinking is not good for me. But telling myself that doesn’t help.
The cool thing is, I only have one problem, my spiritual director said. Don’t worry if it’s right, wrong, from God or the Devil. The only “Devil” we know of for sure is the incessant negative self-judgement. In my mind, nothing is ever right because everything I ever do is wrong, according to myself, he said. The only thing I have to do is say no to this judgment. Be mindful of the rest.
Wow, that was a relief and made life seem so much easier to handle. This has now been my number one goal. As soon as my thoughts spiral (I must be a bad wife, I can’t believe I feel sick again, I feel so guilty because I’d rather read my novel than the Bible, I’m so stupid for choosing to be a MS teacher, what must ____ think?! etc etc), I become mindful and think. Oh yeah-that’s judging. Grace is the power to say no to that.
So that is my number one goal in life right now. I will try and accomplish my goals but I won’t beat myself if I don’t reach them 100%. I am proud to attempt to reach them. And, in saying that, I am reaching my first and top goal-saying “STOP!” to judgement!! (I organized these by type but they kinda overlap):
Look at myself the way Jesus does (at least try to every day for a minute or so)
Believe my husband means what he says and act accordingly
Love and treat others the way Jesus does (especially my middle school students)
Do more random acts of kindness for people (my husband, coworkers, students)
Focus on the 5 senses when I start to worry
Continue to wear no or little makeup and feel relaxed about it
Invite people over more, realizing what really matters is the company not the way my house looks
Continue on my elimination diet as best as I can
No caffeine, it hurts me; so why do it?
Meditation 5 minutes a day or yoga 10-15 minutes before bed every day
Get to the gym 2-3 times a week
Just say no! (to temptation) It will help other women like you.
No judgments about sleeping pills to help you sleep. Just be mindful.
Get outside into nature every day-even for 2 minutes.
Read the Bible when you feel like it. No pressure.
Pray continuously no matter how dumb or short.
Pray for my husband every day
Leave by 3:30 4 out of 5 days a week.
Pray for my students instead of agonizing about them or sending them internal death threats
Really look at them when they talk to you and try to see them through Jesus’ eyes.
Focus more on loving on kids then getting through the lesson plan.