longingclingingdoubting

This is for “Christians” who doubt. This is for those with runaway, self-condemning, constantly turning, bubbling, distorting minds that won’t shut up and cannot rest. Please know you are not alone. You are loved and no matter how much you doubt, you are loved! Hang on to Hope. Hope is something my soul never forgets no matter how many times my brain tries to deceive it.

Soft and floaty

My world is nice

Like a cushion

Shielding me from unpleasantries

Noises are distant

But I am within.

Still.

Questions there but fuzzier

But deception is tastier

And fire less dangerous

My vices are my friends

And I can’t stop

Wanting what I can’t have:

What’s only in my fantasies

I always know I’ll be let down

When the high ends

This foreign thing in me.

I know it and other things

Bring me to this place

A place where my will is taunted

And bad turns into good

And all reason has fled

Maybe it’s harmless

And I blow everything out of proportion

Maybe, probably. In some ways.

But this substance in me, I know,

Is just another example of what I do:

Yearn for what will leave me

Empty.

Always.

Even now my drug is leaving

And I’m going to be empty

But if I could just stay in

This place…

Why can’t I taste and see and know

Truly experience

What will never leave me yearning?

Because my will is strong

And human is what’s in my veins

And little experience with

Clarity, stability and

Understanding

Leads me to a place

Like this

Somewhere I’m sure to

Find peace

However short-lived.

And I’ll always keep going:

Reaching to fill my cup

Reaching, reaching

But the liquid never stops

Because it cannot quench

This thirst.

Experience and life has told me:

There’s nothing to be sure of

In this world.

Even Jesus.

No matter how true and stable and constant

He’s supposed to be.

I’m human and I have my doubts.

Sure, sometimes I’m strong

And hold on, stay on top of the water.

I do see truth and beauty and life

More than I have ever before

But I sometimes question:

Is it necessary

To believe He is the Christ

When everything contradicts itself?

And Truth seems inabsolute

When people you trust

Suddenly confuse you

And you realize you can trust

No one.

When your healing can be

The result of fifty things

Not necessarily the True Thing

What is Christ anyway?

And I I’ve beat my head into

Fifty thousand walls

Trying to know if He really cares

Or if I’m just making it up,

Just acting like I believe…

When will it end?

I feel like, if I’m so desperate

For Him

And for Him to reveal His

Presence

To speak loudly so I will have

No doubt,

So I’m not constantly questioning

My sanity

Or what’s right and wrong,

And if it take a PhD to understand His Word

Or non-Christians are more

Near and dear to me than so many “Christ-followers”

And if I long to be free of “Christianity”

And rigidity and guilt

And to KNOW freedom

From my torment, doubt and never-ending questions…

IF IF IF

Should I just give up…?

But HOPE

Is holding me

Because my soul clings

To Something,

Someone I can barely see

Who I know is my TRUTH

And is some THING that

Goes beyond any fucked up

Shallow thing I was ever taught in any Sunday school

Class or youth group or church sermon

Or (well-meaning yet misinformed) “Christian” mentor or relative

This THING is someone who I can see glimpses of,

Someone

My soul belongs to,

But somehow I cannot attach the name Jesus to,

Because sometimes that name

Is ash in my mouth

Because I’ve heard it so much

I just wish it was precious and new and wholesome again

Like a drop of water

In a thousand miles of desert

Or a new color that’s never been seen

That’s how I want to see and know and experience

This Savior

That’s supposedly my Lover and Creator

Who can fill me more than this lovely wine

Or heart-pounding, life-giving caffeine

But I’ve let deception in

And every human eye on me (supposedly)

Is more important than the eye

Of the one who sees only ME

Because he sees ME

As his precious daughter

As if I was the only heir

To his throne and the only one he could use

To accomplish His beautiful purpose…

That’s the ONE for whom my soul longs

Has always longed

The child in me has always known

But who most days I

Disregard

As a fantasy, a figment of my imagination

Someone some crazy people

Just made up

Or tainted…

My mind turned this lovely I AM

Into someone I NO LONGER

Trusted and the Man God

Into a GHOST, a vapor

A Wannabe-Savior

Or even worse

A Nobody

So as much as I long for the simple life and this

Beautiful “OTHER,”

Something is always there

Telling me of my Stupidity

To actually believe He exists

And His Father deserves my praise…

That I will always be longing for more…

Because I can TRUST no one

(just look at church

and the confusing so-called “Word” he supposedly gave us)

LORD if you are who You say You are

I plead with You (as always)

To make Yourself known to me in a way

I’ve never experienced

I want to hear You

Like “they” always talk about

So I can KNOW FINALLY and be FREED of all

This ugliness

The questions and doubts and SELF

Please, I beg of You

As always, my heart is open,

I’m on my knees

But my will is weak

And I’ll keep turning the other way…

But somehow I get up and

Come back to You or

Who I think You are,

Who I long for You to be

And maybe it’s You who is

There to pick me up

Will I ever be sure?

Or will it always be the same questions?

Are you my God?

And is Your Son really

My Savior or is it just something we all believe to

Try to make sense of our selves

Our lives our sin

Our shittiness?

(written January 15, 2012)

Advertisements

One comment

  1. soldierspoem11b · February 6, 2013

    This was really beautiful and real, I have lost my faith since the War but the way you write like maybe it’s okay to doubt… IDK? It’s just so real, I want to keep re reading it. Thank you…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s