Restless

Something is pulling me
Grabbing at my will
I can’t seem to be okay
I can’t sit
My mind spins
Thinking: what could I do?
Should I do?
What will satisfy me?
Looking inside I know You’re there
but why isn’t that enough?
I’m not up, I’m not down
I’m treading in the middle
missing my old rollercoaster life
Unaccustomed to the stillness

The moments where nothing seems to be happening.
When I can’t put a finger on a feeling
I’m burning
In this deadness
I feel like a fish out of water
this is so strange to me
When life is not about to end
And when running to my journal
And my tears is no longer necessary
to survive…

but still there’s an ache
I wish I could be full blown depressed (sometimes)
But is seems that chapter has closed
Now I have to survive
In a new world
When I’m thirsting for the old one
Who am I when I’m longing
Longing to have my identity back
My sense of worth
I feel better when I’m sad (I think)

But I hate it when I don’t have reason to be
And my brain and my heart both agree for once
I’m unsure and unsteady
As always, looking for answers
Inside and outside
instead of upwards…
i don’t know when reality will set in:
that I can’t, WON’T go back!
No matter how hard I try!

i have to live with one foot here
And one step there-for NOW
Brain-thoughts flitting
Nothing can fill me
Things that were once drugs to me
No longer allure me

And I miss that.

coffee and sugar and crying
Writing and analyzing my self
Weeping and sobbing
Friends and love ones who gave their all
to listen to my ramblings and woes
The Psalms and New Testament and Isaiah and Jeremiah and Job
Jesus…

Books, characters whose lives I longed to have
characters who were my only friends
Real people who I loved as my flesh and blood
People who I’d think about night and day
Authors who I felt knew me through and through

and the words I wrote down
Spurred on by my passions and melancholy
Beautiful, sad words…

Now I don’t see these things as necessary
Because…I’m different
But I miss the highs they gave
The lows that led to the highs
The roads I walked
The barriers I dodge
The waves I climbed

Even Jesus. Christ are you necessary?
I know you are but it’s new.
You are my life in this NEW place
I need you in a new way but i’m not sure
what it is yet
Please teach me!
Help me to know how to ease this uneasiness
And just rest.

 

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One comment

  1. happysunshine123 · December 1, 2011

    Wonderful words, I can relate. It is a weird place to be in, moving out of a hard life into a better life. The limbo is weird. I think I have taken my first step into the other side, I am happy to be leaving limbo land behind. I don’t trust it yet though, don’t trust that the good will last. But I am going to have faith :-). Thank you for sharing your words!

    Mary

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