My blank page

My very first entry in this new space. Blank pages always haunt me. I am so desperate to get something out but I never end up with what I had in mind to begin with. There is a stereotype of “bloggers” which sometimes keeps me from writing and that is “people who blog are very self-absorbed.” I have to admit I am a self-absorbed person much of the time even when I don’t blog. Lately I have been poked and prodded mostly by my own soul to write more. It’s one of a few things that I liked consistently (besides reading) for as long as I can remember. While reflecting on my own and with my counselor, I realized writing is one of the main things I get passionate about.

I have been struggling to uncover my “life’s work.” The blank page I stare at before writing is kind of like my life right now. There are so many things that could appear on the page in a matter of minutes, but I am terrified as to what the result will be. Yet at the same time I am exhilarated. I am not sure if anyone can quite understand what I mean unless they are me or God…or maybe have been through what I have.

There is a significant piece of my life that is slowly drifting away. Because that something was there, I was held in bondage. My future-if, in my mind, I even had one, was fixed, held, grilled into my brain. I saw the “prize” and went for it, all the while stumbling, drowning, like a crazy drunkard. I wanted to reach some end goal that I believed was my dream. If I reached my dream, I would achieve what my soul desperately craved: joy, peace and freedom. But whenever I reached the so called dream (attending college, graduating from college, getting a boyfriend, getting my first job, etc. etc. etc.) I was left with nothing beautiful. I was left with only that something-my closest and yet most wretched of friends. That something is depression, an ugliness I have battled for over ten years.

For the first time in a decade, I truly feel I am free. The freest I have ever been. THANK YOU, GOD!

Right now I am thinking of all the possible things listeners are thinking when they hear about “depression” or “people who struggle with depression.” They may think, as I often do, “depression” is a walking cliche. Why couldn’t I have been struck with something less common or less heard about? Can we move on to something new?

Other responses from people that perhaps have depression is #1) that I am in denial. When you are in the muckiest of muck, you really do not feel you will ever get to the place that I am. And, that may lead to an even more likely response #2) that I did not suffer like you have suffered. I have to agree that I go from questioning whether I really truly suffered (or if it was “all in my head”) to thinking that I am just telling myself I am fine. More about my healing later…as this is a huge topic, one I will not be able to contain in this blog.

Due to depression being in the background rather than the foreground of my life defining every thing that I did, I am a totally different person. Similar to the prisoners who were released from death row in the film Shawshank Redemption, I am entering a new world, and it is scary. The “dreams” I always had as a child, teen, and young adult, I have come to realize were not dreams after all, just things to build me up so I could try to achieve love, attention, and acceptance from people (from whom I usually already had love, attn and acceptance).

So I am trying to rediscover my dreams. I do not know if my current job as an elementary Spanish teacher is a job I am called to do. I have doubts about the graduate program I am in (special education). I have always dreamed of marrying and having children at a young age, but now I know that was faulty thinking. I do believe I will marry and maybe have one child, but I do not have a timeline. I try to enjoy each moment as it comes because I will never get this one moment back. I will never again be single and in my 20s! It has been amazing to see what God has done as I have been less frantic about finding a man and simply enjoying His presence through the wonderful people I have been meeting lately.

The one dream I had as a child and continue today (I believe it is a “real” dream) is to be a writer. I do not know what that consists of. I would like to publish something but I know I have a long way to go. The biggest thing is God has given me many gifts and He is directing me to share them despite my terror. I went through what I did and there’s no way to take it back. I have been looking for ways to let people know they are not alone. Because of where I am in life, I believe I have more of an opportunity to do that than I have ever and maybe ever will!  To God be the Glory because without Him, I would literally be dead…He has done miraculous things in my life and I often feel so unworthy. If you are interested in my journey through depression, I hope to post more on that soon!

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2 comments

  1. Carrie Vergin · April 4, 2011

    I was drawn in by your writing my dear…you have a gift…

  2. Iris · April 4, 2011

    I think you definitely have a beautiful voice as a writer. This is the first I’ve seen of your blog, but many of the things you wrote resonated with me, and I’m inspired to want to go back and read older entries. Must go to bed though, but I plan on coming back to read more of your musings.

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