>It’s been awhile since I have written because I have been uninspired lately. Nothing incredible has really happened to me, but I guess that’s a good thing. One thing I have noticed about this winter is that it is one of the longest, coldest of my life. Each day the sun goes down my joy seems to dissipate with it. It is very subtle but quite real. Now as I sit typing in the dark, I am staying afloat by the fake light coming from this computer, the news on TV and the timed lamp that lovingly comes on each day at approximately 4:50, and mostly by the dreams of sunshine and warmth and hope.
The great thing is that the days are getting longer. Today it was still light at 5 pm; and despite, the FREEZING weather, we have had two days of wonderful sun. I cannot tell you how much more joy I experience when the sun is out.
I have begun to dream, instead of just trying to get through the day. Sometimes I dream about a very blurry but aching future, of being with the love of my life, that future someone with whom God has yet to provide me. And of reaching my second lifelong dream, of being a mom. But mostly I just dream about what I KNOW is coming and coming soon, the birth of my friends’ babies in just a few short weeks and months! And I am looking forward to summer, this summer particularly. I am scared because I don’t know what it will entail.
But anything that is combined with sun, you can be assured I can tolerate it, if not relish in it. I cannot tell you how sun affects me; and how darkness/night radically shakes me. I have a hard time enjoying the sun knowing that darkness will inevitably come.
These days have been filled with more hope. And I know it will keep increasing with each passing day. Soon my fingers will be warm, and dry hands will no longer burn, I won’t be huddled in bed at night, but stretched out in peaceful moonlight. I won’t hear about horrible snow-related accidents and falls. And thunderstorms, I can’t wait for those!
But, then again, I am trying to focus on this moment! The hot baths and the nice-smelling lotion. Warmth emitted by your own body under a blanket. The hot meals and drinks after a cold walk outside. And just the incredible beauty and freshness of winter.
Winter, I will try to love you and enjoy each beautiful moment you give, but I won’t be sad to see you go.