>Can feelings tell you any sort of truth? Because for all I know they are not a gift but a steaming sword aimed for your heart, right from the evil one. Because even when I am feeling the good ones, I know they won’t last. Because they will just get demolished by the ones that eat and rip out my insides, make my mind boil in agony and my skin crawl in irrational sweat. So unhuman. I feel this for even seconds and know I am in trouble if I feed into this feeling. They continually attack me, but I guess it’s not the feeling as much as the thought that started it all. Or is it the feeling first? And which is evil, if not all, or is it I that is evil? I cannot stop because I am a mack truck spiraling down an incline and a tornado burrowing over those I care about the most flipping them over, drowning them in the undertow. And yet, I am me. And I feel these feelings to be me. But not all the time.
Inside where no one can see, I see my self. The self I hate and know is not my real self. But I sometimes glimpse the real person I am and want to be. But the dark and eery creatures eat the real me alive and I am screaming, yelping to not drown under their cackling bodies. I literally call out “Jesus” but I must not be doing it right because they just come right back. Again and again when I least want them there. When my relationships just begin to mend and I feel like I once again have a purpose. I am burned and all I can see is that it was me.
But I want to celebrate this moment of peace I have been given. I don’t know why Satan chooses to come at one time and not another. Or is it because I am stronger now? I don’t think so. Is it because my chemicals are more balanced? Probably, but that might have nothing to do with the fact that I took my medication. All I know is I can’t see past this wretchedness. I can just see a whirlwind cycle. Up, down, pow, bam-bam-bam, circling, sniping, swimming back, forth. Then up, down, pow. All over again. And your mind is telling you you have to do something about it. But all you can do is slump over with a sigh because trying has just led to failure, again and again and again. And the Church is saying we don’t have to defeat Satan because he’s already been defeated on the Cross. Blah, blah, blah. What does that mean? What do I DO? How much is spiritual and biological or should I just assume it’s biological because the spiritual has turned it that way?
Am I eternally flawed? Is God looking down on me asking, ‘When will you get it?’” I really hope I get it soon. The God I know and love wouldn’t say that, but why would he really want us to be this desperate, hopeless and confused. I feel like I seek him, ask him for help so much he is probably so tired…and like, “Okay. I’ve already told you the answer. Are you really listening?!” Or does he say, “Just hang on. Just a little longer. The pain won’t last too much longer. You’ll only fail this many more times.” I am so damn tired of hanging on, God! I want it to be real and better. And I want to know my feelings as something more that just fleeting seeds flitting about by each breath of wind, knocking the air out of you as they pass by. I want to know hope and freedom. And not just today; but forever. Some people may say it’s a choice. I would like to believe it too. Wouldn’t I have chosen it by now?