>Sometimes I wonder how I can “act as” or be a professional, when, at times I look in the mirror and wonder who I am. I see a pretty face, nice cute hair and smile, a beautiful creation of God. But is that really who I am? I have always been good at acting. Don’t get me wrong. I am not acting happy. I am generally happy, or at least at peace.
Mostly I am in this numb state of mind. There is a sheet of glass I am looking through. Somewhat clear but mostly distorted and I just choose to look the other way. While I am hopeful–it’s a sort of surreal-hopeful–about my new jobs starting up, I haven’t dealt with another large part of my life, that being the current relationship I am in. I frankly don’t know what to do or say, so I just let it be. Do I have to make a decision? What decision is that? All I can think of is this song lyric “Should I stay or should I go?”
I was reading in this book about perfectionism that perfectionists tend to have a lot of self-doubt, which makes decision making quite challenging. They generally don’t mind putting something off until “no decision is made or the decision is made by default.” In this process of “ambivalating,” perfectionists are sometimes grateful when others make decisions for them. That describes me to a “T.” The only problem is, no one can really make a decision about my relationship. No matter how much I talk to God, I don’t hear Him clearly, except that “I will never leave you.” But will he ever tell me if I am dating the right person?
As with every problem in my life, I am constantly searching for answers, whether in books, from people I love and respect, from the Bible, from Dr. Phil, from my therapist, from within myself. I literally cannot REST until I have some sort of ideas. Well, I am now so full of ideas that I have become comatose–unable to think or release. So there I sit. Can’t make a decision so I just keep praying and living.